Floating through the ceaseless darkness that is the void of space, one intergalactic business strives to save the universe. They are Industrial Solar, travelling from planet to planet, offering free and sustainable energy. Only one planet has refused this offer so far, and that is the terra world of Earth. They are the one thing standing between Industrial Solar and universal peace. That’s why I am leading an army to Earth. We will destroy it, removing the anomaly from our database, giving us a one hundred percent success rate.
I’ve never seen the Industrial Solar ambassador so distraught as when he returned from Earth and reported that President Crumpet, King of Earth, would not listen to his pleas. They did not want to join the rest of the universe in our peaceful ways. The only language that the Terrans know is war, and so we shall speak it in return.
Our first mission is one of reconnaissance. We need to know information on these barbaric people; their weaknesses, their strengths, their favourite pizza toppings. That’s why I’m sending Glip Glop to the factory of commercial battery storage in the Melbourne area of Australia, a state of King President Crumpet’s Earth. He will gather the information we can use to destroy the planet.
It may seem harsh, but we gave them a chance. And obviously, we will give them another warning. I’ve set up a broadcast that will go out as the invasion starts, telling them to accept our offer of clean energy or be exterminated, like the plague on the universe that they are. Either way, Industrial Solar will be able to claim that one hundred percent of planets use our energy plan. Imagine how high our stocks will go then! We’ll have a monopoly on the energy business that has never been seen before.
The universe will truly be a better place once the humans are gone. They were willing to destroy their planet rather than accept our free gift. Personally, I think we’ve been more than reasonable.